I wrote this on 9/11/08 and thought I might make it public this year.
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Lux et Tenebris
That was the slogan sewn on Jeff's unit badge September 11th, 2001. Light in darkness.
I was a senior at Rutger's University that day and I skipped class because I was too lazy to get up for an 8 AM discussion of feminism. It was the end of the summer, it was going to be a beautiful day and I was not wasting it inside. Jeff had left the day before after spending two weeks of leave with me. We'd spent our last day together in New York City, visiting the World Trade Center, walking all over. We'd even contemplated spending the night but decided to return home so he could make his flight the morning of the 10th. I missed him but I was going to see him again soon. He had tentative plans to return in March, if the Air Force and his particular position allowed him more leave.
I didn't know anything was wrong when I finally climbed out of bed at 9 AM because I didn't have the radio or TV on. I was on my way to get into the shower when my roomate, a reliable med student who never skipped class, slammed open the door to our apartment shouting my name hysterically. "We've been attacked!" she yelled, crying. I thought she meant the med school. I couldn't understand. When she finally told me, when it finally got through, I sat down hard on the toilet and began to cry. All the people I knew in NYC, what had happened to them? Faith? Had she made it home to Queens? Kapps and her dad, what about them? The larger implications began to hit me; what about Jeff and my brother? What would happen to them if a war started? One was Army, the other Air Force. Would I lose them both? I felt like someone had poured ice into my lungs. What if I never saw Jeff again?
He wasn't reachable by phone; I had no idea where in the world he was. I knew he hadn't made it back to Japan yet and the phones were locked up busy in any case. My brother Josh just managed to get through to me, to ask if I was okay, to tell me to be strong and that Jeff would be alright. Josh was at the ROTC house on campus, he'd be there if I needed him. Just hearing his voice steadied me.
Jeff called at noon, all too briefly. "I love you, remember that." he said. He sounded alert in a way he didn't normally. I could feel his mind clicking away, analyzing a thousand different variables. I call it his military mode and he was in it, full force. "I won't be able to call you for a while" he told me. "Just know wherever I am, I'm thinking of you."
I didn't hear from him for weeks. And eight short months later our whole lives changed as his brain was permanently, life-alteringly damaged in the war that began that bright and beautiful September morning I was playing hooky. The last day I was truly carefree.
