We got an email today from our social worker, Christyn. There's a family in the middle of the country expecting a child in four days and she thought we might be a good match. But the baby (we're not sure if it's a boy or girl) has a profound heart defect called hypoplastic left heart syndrome. We'd said we were open for correctible anatomical defects but this was the outside limit of what we'd been thinking of. Did we want our profile to be shown? Our decision needed to be in by 5 this evening.
I rushed home from work to talk it over with Jeff. I was happy we'd been matched, frightened of how sick this tiny life is, wondering if we could effectively parent a child with such deep needs. We called a pediatrician friend of ours. He was head of trauma at A.I. DuPont Hospital for Children for a long time and he now practices privately right down the road from us. He told us as gently as he could that the outcome of this type of defect is uncertain. It depends on the child. We read him the limited information we had: "The doctors predict a 90% chance of long term survival. They anticipate surgery at 10 days old, 6 months and 3-4 years and then a heart transplant as a teenager." Dr. Dan told us that basically, the left side of the baby's heart is the side that pumps blood to the body and that is the side that will not work properly. He said no matter how well this all turns out, there is a chance the baby could suffer brain damage from the sheer volume of surgeries s/he will have to have. It's certain that though he or she could lead a good life, s/he'd never live a normal life. Any illness would be a major concern. And the baby could die at any time.
We didn't know what to do. We called our parents, our pastor, Beth and Josh and asked for advice and prayer. We cried. We talked. We prayed. We cried more.
In the end, we called Christyn and told her our answer had to be no, at least for now. There's not enough information and there won't be any more until the baby is born. And there wasn't enough time. We just couldn't make a decision that would shape the rest of our lives in the space of a few hours. It's too big, too much. Which doesn't stop me from feeling absolutely awful. If love could fix this child, s/he'd be whole in seconds. I'd be in the car and on my way to where s/he is in the time it takes to blink. I want to hold that baby so badly. I just can't make a decision like that in only a few hours. I think of all the NICU stories I've read, of my blog-friend Tertia holding her son Ben as he died. And I just can't. I can't write that without crying, I can't think about it without crying. I can't. I feel like the worst person in the world for saying no.
When we called Christyn, she told us that it was okay, she knew it was too short of a time. She said she'd be happy to keep us in the loop because right now it looks like there is no other adoptive family showing interest. She said as soon as she knows more, she'll pass on the information and she'll let us know if the door is totally closed or not. Even though our no has a caveat, we're not expecting it to work out. We are pretty sure this is not our baby. But it doesn't stop us from grieving another loss.
I don't really know what else to say. I feel like I don't deserve another chance.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Finally!
Our Delaware state background and criminal history checks came back clear on Saturday! This means that our social worker can finally write our homestudy and we will be officially waiting for a child. Christyn has two other homestudies to write before ours and will be away for a week, so the estimated time for that to be completed is the first week of September, right around the time I will be flying to Germany to visit Beth. Basically, two weeks. Two weeks! Then the real waiting begins.
Now I have to write our profile, a daunting task. I have to write a two-page "Dear Birthmom" letter, telling prospective firstmoms all about our family and what we like to do. I then have to scrapbook it all with photos. It's harder than you might think. I've got a rough draft started and I always feel like I'm saying "Dear Birthmom, we don't want to toot our own horns but beep beep!" There's also a little despair as I wonder who would choose us? There are so many healthy parents out there waiting for a child, why would anyone want us? My friend Lorie assures me that this is all under God's control, just like everything else. I'm struggling to believe her (and God!)
I owe you all some fantastic London stories but I'm going to save them for another post. I'm sorry for the lack of updates during the end of July and beginning of August; things were very hectic around here. I'm sure I'll have plenty to say as we wait. In the mean time, I'm off to go work on our profile!
Now I have to write our profile, a daunting task. I have to write a two-page "Dear Birthmom" letter, telling prospective firstmoms all about our family and what we like to do. I then have to scrapbook it all with photos. It's harder than you might think. I've got a rough draft started and I always feel like I'm saying "Dear Birthmom, we don't want to toot our own horns but beep beep!" There's also a little despair as I wonder who would choose us? There are so many healthy parents out there waiting for a child, why would anyone want us? My friend Lorie assures me that this is all under God's control, just like everything else. I'm struggling to believe her (and God!)
I owe you all some fantastic London stories but I'm going to save them for another post. I'm sorry for the lack of updates during the end of July and beginning of August; things were very hectic around here. I'm sure I'll have plenty to say as we wait. In the mean time, I'm off to go work on our profile!
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Nothing to see here, move along.
Jeff and I are leaving on our missions trip to London tomorrow. We're so excited! The suitcase is packed, we checked in early (online) and all we have to do is go to church tomorrow morning. Please pray that we would enjoy a safe flight, as well as safety the entire time we are there. Also, the two other members of our team are leaving behind their three children. It's hard for them to be away from their kids for so long, so please pray for their peace of mind.
In regarnds to our adoption...sigh. New to report. We're still waiting for our background checks and criminal history reports to come back. We've recieved word that the whole system slowed down for some reason so we have no idea how much longer it will be. We sent everything in at the end of March, so hopefully it will be soon. We're also wrestling with the VA and with the county (my employer) to fork over the other two pieces of paperwork we need to make the homestudy complete. We're praying this doesn't have to drag on much longer.
I'll post an update when we get back. See you all in ten days!
In regarnds to our adoption...sigh. New to report. We're still waiting for our background checks and criminal history reports to come back. We've recieved word that the whole system slowed down for some reason so we have no idea how much longer it will be. We sent everything in at the end of March, so hopefully it will be soon. We're also wrestling with the VA and with the county (my employer) to fork over the other two pieces of paperwork we need to make the homestudy complete. We're praying this doesn't have to drag on much longer.
I'll post an update when we get back. See you all in ten days!
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Dreams
Last night I had a dream that I had two adopted daughters, about six months apart in age, both about three years old. One had strawberry blond hair and was an easy, happy child. The other had brown eyes and blond hair and looked like me when I was little. She was happy too, but more intense. More like me.
We were at church on Sunday morning, waiting for service to begin. The sanctuary was full and my daughters were running around, saying hi to everyone. I admonished them to be good and they laughed but they slowed down. Everyone was smiling at them, saying hello back in response. Standing next to me was my good friend Lorie and we were talking about how much infertility had changed the course of our lives and how beautiful our children were.
Suddenly, my dark-eyed daughter ran up to me, laughing. I bent down to hug her and said: "I'm so glad that I am infertile because if I wasn't, I'd never have gotten to meet the amazing person you are." She smiled at me, eyes sparkling, and ran off into the crowd again. I couldn't immediately spot her but I wasn't worried. She was safe among people who loved us and I knew she'd find me again.
I woke up smiling, feeling at peace. My daughter is on her way. I feel like I'm finally climbing out of the deep pit of infertility and despair.
We were at church on Sunday morning, waiting for service to begin. The sanctuary was full and my daughters were running around, saying hi to everyone. I admonished them to be good and they laughed but they slowed down. Everyone was smiling at them, saying hello back in response. Standing next to me was my good friend Lorie and we were talking about how much infertility had changed the course of our lives and how beautiful our children were.
Suddenly, my dark-eyed daughter ran up to me, laughing. I bent down to hug her and said: "I'm so glad that I am infertile because if I wasn't, I'd never have gotten to meet the amazing person you are." She smiled at me, eyes sparkling, and ran off into the crowd again. I couldn't immediately spot her but I wasn't worried. She was safe among people who loved us and I knew she'd find me again.
I woke up smiling, feeling at peace. My daughter is on her way. I feel like I'm finally climbing out of the deep pit of infertility and despair.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Does this mean I'm pregnant?
We had our last visit with Christyn (our social worker) on Monday. At the beginning of our homestudy process we were assigned three books to read as well as an online course to complete as homework. We all know I like information and lots of it, so having homework wasn't a big deal to me. I'm not adopted and I am a first time adoptive parent. I want to know what's going to happen, how to talk to my child about how she came to be ours, what I can do to help her adjust to the fact that she's adopted throughout her lifetime. (I'm just going to pretend the baby is going to be girl from now on, okay? I'm tired of the s/he thing...very tedious to work with.) I want to know what open adoption looks like in other families so that I can know what we want for our family.
I had always planned to tell my child that she was chosen because she was special. I want her to know that she was always loved, before we even know who she is. I didn't realize the pressure that this could put on my daughter, that she might feel the weight of expectations in that statement. If she was chosen because she was special then she could be unchosen if she doesn't live up to that specialness. I'd never thought about it that way before but it made sense. We've decided instead to say that we were chosen to be her parents by her birth family who loved her deeply. This way it's us who live up to expectations and our baby who experiences love from all sides. That seems much better to me.
That's just a small segment of what we studied and discussed with Christyn. There's much more to parenting an adopted child than I can cover here but if you'd like to know more, I'd recommend Raising Adopted Children by Lois Melina. it's a quick read and funny in parts. Jeff and I both enjoyed it.
So, as of Monday we are offically done meeting with our social worker. We have a few loose ends to tie up, paperwork wise but the main thing we are waiting for are our criminal history and background checks. Once those come back Christyn will write our homestudy and our profile will be displayed in all Bethany offices and on their website. After that, we just wait to be selected. So, I guess I'm pregnant on paper.
I had always planned to tell my child that she was chosen because she was special. I want her to know that she was always loved, before we even know who she is. I didn't realize the pressure that this could put on my daughter, that she might feel the weight of expectations in that statement. If she was chosen because she was special then she could be unchosen if she doesn't live up to that specialness. I'd never thought about it that way before but it made sense. We've decided instead to say that we were chosen to be her parents by her birth family who loved her deeply. This way it's us who live up to expectations and our baby who experiences love from all sides. That seems much better to me.
That's just a small segment of what we studied and discussed with Christyn. There's much more to parenting an adopted child than I can cover here but if you'd like to know more, I'd recommend Raising Adopted Children by Lois Melina. it's a quick read and funny in parts. Jeff and I both enjoyed it.
So, as of Monday we are offically done meeting with our social worker. We have a few loose ends to tie up, paperwork wise but the main thing we are waiting for are our criminal history and background checks. Once those come back Christyn will write our homestudy and our profile will be displayed in all Bethany offices and on their website. After that, we just wait to be selected. So, I guess I'm pregnant on paper.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
The Home Asessment
Last Friday we had the home asessment portion of our home study. To let you in on the lingo, the home study refers to the entire batch of adoption paperwork that must be completed in order for us to be eligible to adopt. It includes fingerprinting, a background check (by the FBI!) financial records and a complete social history. There are many more details to it but those are the broad strokes. The home asessment is just a part of the process.
I have to tell you, nothing makes me more uptight than having someone inspect my home. I keep it neat at all times but knowing that my whole entire future hinges on this! made me, let's say, a wee bit uptight. Our social worker, Christyn, told me not to go crazy cleaning. "I'm not coming in with a white glove!" she excalimed when I mentioned borrowing a ladder to clean my windows.
I have really been making a conscious effort this year to base my identity in Christ and not in what people think of me, so I took her advice to heart. I did a reasonable amount of cleaning (i.e.: did not scrub my kitchen floor with a toothbrush) and felt very proud of myself for enjoying freedom instead of fear. That lasted until about 10:30 the night before the inspection when it all suddenly hit me and I broke out the toothbrush, going solidly back to fear . Turns out I have not arrived, identity-wise.
Predictably, everything went fine. Christyn did not in fact bring her white glove and she commented that we had a lovely home in a cute neighborhood. She checked for all the required safety measures, such as a non-skid surface on the tub the baby will use, a fire extinguisher in the kitchen and emergency numbers posted by every phone. We have lots of pictures all over our house and so we got to brag about our families, especially our nephew Zeke. She told us that we had met all the requirements and passed with flying colors, which was a relief to hear. None of the things I cleaned the night before even registered on her radar, which is a lesson I will try to keep in my head for as long as I can.
We have just one more meeting with Christyn and then we will be done with our entire home study, pending the results of our background checks, which we are not worried about. In our final meeting we will go over our homework, which mainly consists of summariazing and discussing the four books we are required to read. Actually it's three books and an online course. The homework has been labor intensive but extremely informative, which I suppose is the point.
We've been learning about what it means to have an open adoption, which I will talk about in detail in another post. It's much more complicated but much more beautiful than we had ever thought. I won't deny that I am riddled with fear about the whole idea but we both think this will be so much better for our child. We have to start being good parents now, even though we don't know who our baby is and when s/he will get here. Adoption is strange that way.
Our next meeting is June 25th at 9 AM for those of you who pray. Thanks so much for all your encouragement. We couldn't do this without you.
I have to tell you, nothing makes me more uptight than having someone inspect my home. I keep it neat at all times but knowing that my whole entire future hinges on this! made me, let's say, a wee bit uptight. Our social worker, Christyn, told me not to go crazy cleaning. "I'm not coming in with a white glove!" she excalimed when I mentioned borrowing a ladder to clean my windows.
I have really been making a conscious effort this year to base my identity in Christ and not in what people think of me, so I took her advice to heart. I did a reasonable amount of cleaning (i.e.: did not scrub my kitchen floor with a toothbrush) and felt very proud of myself for enjoying freedom instead of fear. That lasted until about 10:30 the night before the inspection when it all suddenly hit me and I broke out the toothbrush, going solidly back to fear . Turns out I have not arrived, identity-wise.
Predictably, everything went fine. Christyn did not in fact bring her white glove and she commented that we had a lovely home in a cute neighborhood. She checked for all the required safety measures, such as a non-skid surface on the tub the baby will use, a fire extinguisher in the kitchen and emergency numbers posted by every phone. We have lots of pictures all over our house and so we got to brag about our families, especially our nephew Zeke. She told us that we had met all the requirements and passed with flying colors, which was a relief to hear. None of the things I cleaned the night before even registered on her radar, which is a lesson I will try to keep in my head for as long as I can.
We have just one more meeting with Christyn and then we will be done with our entire home study, pending the results of our background checks, which we are not worried about. In our final meeting we will go over our homework, which mainly consists of summariazing and discussing the four books we are required to read. Actually it's three books and an online course. The homework has been labor intensive but extremely informative, which I suppose is the point.
We've been learning about what it means to have an open adoption, which I will talk about in detail in another post. It's much more complicated but much more beautiful than we had ever thought. I won't deny that I am riddled with fear about the whole idea but we both think this will be so much better for our child. We have to start being good parents now, even though we don't know who our baby is and when s/he will get here. Adoption is strange that way.
Our next meeting is June 25th at 9 AM for those of you who pray. Thanks so much for all your encouragement. We couldn't do this without you.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Well, THAT took an extraordinarily long time!
Okay, I'm finally getting this blog up and running after almost a month of fiddling. Sorry about the delay.
I just want to explain a little about how blogs work, for those of you who don't surf them regularly like Yours Truly. Basically, when there is anything to tell about our adoption, I will post it here. The newest news will always be on top. There isn't any way we'll let you know we've updated, so you'll have to check back here once in a while to see if I've posted anything new. I'm going to try to post something every week.
After we are done with our home study, there will be a looong period of waiting. Believe me, nobody will be more frustrated with that than us! I plan to be honest here, so I want you to know that there will probably be plenty of entries with Unpleasant Attitude. Bear with me. It will get better.
If you want to leave a comment to let us know that you have been here or are thinking of us, you can click the green link below the latest entry that says "No Comments." (If there are comments it will say something like "32 Comments.") The page that pops up will ask you for your name, email and website. If you don't have any of the three of these things, just make one up. For example: Name: Aunt Lorrie, email: auntlorriesworld@yahoo.com, website: auntlorriespeaks@anon.com. The computer has no idea these addresses aren't real (see how it's try to link them by turning them blue?) so it will accept them and allow you to comment. (Thanks Aunt Lorrie for being my example!) We would love to recieve comments from all of you telling us that you have been here. It is a great encouragement to hear from all of you.
If you have any questions about how to use this site, just call us or email me at jbondsgirl@yahoo.com. We love you all and thank you for coming with us on this journey.
I just want to explain a little about how blogs work, for those of you who don't surf them regularly like Yours Truly. Basically, when there is anything to tell about our adoption, I will post it here. The newest news will always be on top. There isn't any way we'll let you know we've updated, so you'll have to check back here once in a while to see if I've posted anything new. I'm going to try to post something every week.
After we are done with our home study, there will be a looong period of waiting. Believe me, nobody will be more frustrated with that than us! I plan to be honest here, so I want you to know that there will probably be plenty of entries with Unpleasant Attitude. Bear with me. It will get better.
If you want to leave a comment to let us know that you have been here or are thinking of us, you can click the green link below the latest entry that says "No Comments." (If there are comments it will say something like "32 Comments.") The page that pops up will ask you for your name, email and website. If you don't have any of the three of these things, just make one up. For example: Name: Aunt Lorrie, email: auntlorriesworld@yahoo.com, website: auntlorriespeaks@anon.com. The computer has no idea these addresses aren't real (see how it's try to link them by turning them blue?) so it will accept them and allow you to comment. (Thanks Aunt Lorrie for being my example!) We would love to recieve comments from all of you telling us that you have been here. It is a great encouragement to hear from all of you.
If you have any questions about how to use this site, just call us or email me at jbondsgirl@yahoo.com. We love you all and thank you for coming with us on this journey.
Monday, April 30, 2007
In the beginning...
Jeff and I have decided to make a website dedicated to our adoption. We want to keep all of you informed without having to email/call everyone individually. And because I am writer and a lover of recorded history, I want to be able to give these pages to our child one day and tell him/her how deeply and dearly s/he was wanted and adored, even before we knew who s/he was. So strap in! Enjoy the ride. And pray for us through the process because we know it won't be easy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)